Abusers are rarely strangers, and not always men – they can be family, women, and other children
Through media and, perhaps, our own desire to feel safe within our trusted circles, we come to think of sexual predators as monsters – people we would never respect, like, or even love. But if that were the case, children wouldn’t be such great risk as they are and abusers would not be as effective at targeting children in loving, protective families. It may seem inexplicable as to why seemingly normal people would choose to sexually abuse anyone, let alone a child, but with better understanding as to the psychological issues that motivate abuse, we can retrain our brains to be more aware and protective of children.
Understanding Abuser Behavior
Not all sexual abusers are pedophilesOpportunistic offenders see an opportunity to abuse a child and take it – this may be true especially in cases involving immediate or extended family members or children that are well-known to them. Opportunistic offenders may still invest time/effort to groom and molest a child, or they may use physical force to subdue the child. This web site is provided by the U.S. Department of Justice to provide a free nationwide search for sex offenders registered by states, territories, Indian tribes, and the District of Columbia. NSOPW is the only national sex offender search site with direct access to registered sex offender information from the individual registration jurisdictions. Subpopulations of offenders namely, “ frequents” and “occasional”. The difference lies t herein that frequent offenders commit crime at a higher rate than t he oc casional offender. See Article History Habitual offender, person who frequently has been convicted of criminal behaviour and is presumed to be a danger to society. In an attempt to protect society from such criminals, penal systems throughout the world provide for lengthier terms of imprisonment for them than for first-time offenders. Occasional offenders: usually only act when a situation creates favorable conditions is a term that describes business merchandise losses from illegal activities as well as honest, unintentional mistakes.
A pedophile is sexually attracted to the physical form of a prepubescent child. But not all sexual abusers are pedophiles. This fact is particularly confusing to people. They think, “If the abusers are not sexually attracted to children, then why would they want to engage in sexual contact?” Many abusers are not necessarily drawn to the child’s physical attributes, but are seeking a sexual relationship that they can control. A child is easier to manipulate, control, and keep silent, compared to an adult.
Predatory offenders premeditate the abuse
Many predatory abusers premeditate abuse, fantasize about sexual interaction with children, often view child pornography, and select their victims carefully, investing effort and time to groom them into submission. Predatory offenders usually seek out opportunities to abuse – ex. teaching, coaching, even romantic relationships with women who have children, while opportunistic offenders may choose these professions/relationships and later find themselves temped by their situation – being in a position of trust and/or authority involving children.
Opportunist offenders take advantage of a situation
Opportunistic offenders see an opportunity to abuse a child and take it – this may be true especially in cases involving immediate or extended family members or children that are well-known to them. Opportunistic offenders may still invest time/effort to groom and molest a child, or they may use physical force to subdue the child. Similar to predatory offenders, opportunistic offenders do not always groom their victims and may act impulsively.
Abusers groom in public
People think that grooming a child for sexual abuse is something done in isolation – quite the contrary. Why? By establishing a close relationship with a child in front of others, people are less likely to be suspicious (after all, many believe sexual predators would not be so bold), and secondly, if the adults aren’t suspicious, it creates a false sense of security with the child that they are safe with this person and what they do is acceptable.
All abusers rely on opportunity
In the vast majority of cases, abusers seek or take advantage of being in a position of trust in a 1:1 situation with a child. For example, a bedroom, a bathroom, a car, or simply a place out of view of other people. They either happen upon an opportunity or they find a way to be alone with your child. They may offer to babysit, tutor, give them a ride home, take them out of the house, a coach running a practice, a youth leader on a retreat, a camp counselor or other peer, a boyfriend or girlfriend alone or at a party. And most unfortunately, they can even be your spouse or part of your immediate/extended family. They may be living or coming into your own home when you’re there or not. It may be a neighbor looking for help – raking leaves, moving boxes etc. An older/larger peer, that may or may not be a friend of your child that invites him to play video games or check out a new pet.
Why People Sexually Abuse Children
We may never have the exact answer what specifically drives offenders, and no two predators think and act alike. While pedophiles are specifically driven by sexual-attraction to children, non-pedophilic perpetrators may be motivated by:- A sense of excitement and satisfaction in grooming and manipulating not only the child they’re abusing, but even in deceiving the parents and community at large. Some may even qualify as sociopaths.
- Low self-esteem, stress, or unmet emotional needs for intimacy & affection and use sexual gratification with a child as a means of coping with it. They may acknowledge that their behavior is wrong, and may even stop if the child resists, but if the abuse continues they may rationalize their behavior and minimize the abusive nature of their actions.
- An unchecked sense of entitlement – that they are above others and have a “right” to do what they want without reproach and seek to dominate others.
- Sexual deviancy – a desire to explore a variety of sexual experiences and may exhibit an addiction to sex and pornography.
- Social isolation- some offenders are considered eccentric, awkward loners, that don’t socialize well with others and may exhibit what many would consider abnormal behavior. Such offenders may choose to sexually abuse children because they are less-threatening than their peers.
How Abusers Choose Their Victims
Red Flags of Grooming Behavior
- Giving the child extra attention and build a friendship with the child. They may them feel special and loved to have an adult friend that encourages and flatters them. Possibly make the child believe they love them in a romantic way.
- Tickling, wrestling, hugging, kissing, holding, and touching a child, even if they do not want to. People often think this is the person being friendly, and don’t realize the potential for abuse.
- “Accidentally” touching a child’s private parts to see how they react.
- Lacking respect for privacy – walk in on them while they’re using the bathroom or dressing. Another “accident” or an attempt to create an environment where it’s “OK” to be naked or exposed in each other’s company.
- Making inappropriate/sexual comments or jokes to the child or even to others, regarding the child.
- Giving gifts for no apparent reason, allow the child special privileges or treatment.
- Spending more time with children than adults, so much that it seems odd to other adults.
- Testing the child’s reaction to affection/touching – putting an arm on the shoulder, a back rub, a long hug that leads to further testing – a kiss on the lips, a hand on the knee.
Four stages of abuse
Predators that are interested in a continuously abusive relationship with a child often follow a similar pattern in behavior in order to groom the child into submission and secrecy. The better we all understand how this manipulations works, the better we can detect abuse, respond to concerns or disclosers, and support survivors without shaming or minimizing the impact of such manipulation and trauma.
Gain Access
Capitalize Upon Trust & Authority
Break Down Boundaries
Maintain Control & Secrecy
Abuse by children
This may be one of the biggest reality-checking curve-balls regarding child sexual abuse. Who would think that nearly 40% of abusers were older or more physically/mentally advanced children? Generally an age difference of 3 years or more is enough for the older child to be aware that what he/she is doing is wrong. A larger child that can overpower a child smaller than them. A more knowledgeable child that exploits the naivety of a less-knowledgeable child. A child that has experienced or witnessed abuse and resorts to abuse as a means of acting out. Seven out of eight juvenile offenders are at least 12 years old, and 93% are boys. (Crimes Against Children Research Center, UNH, 2010)
We can prevent sexual abuse by teaching children about their own sexuality
Parents often wish to deny that their children will ever have sensual/sexual tendencies, even as young as toddlers. As they mature and their hormones increase these feelings of sexuality, it is important that we educate children how to take responsibility for their sexuality and what is the right and wrong way to respond to sexual arousal. The majority of children are now exposed to pornography – willingly or unwillingly by the age of 13.
The content of the pornography that is available can significantly impact a child’s sexual tendencies.
Some youth who commit sexual assault are serial offenders (they offend more than once), but most are not. The re-offense rate for such youth is 5%, lower than for adults who commit a first assault, and has been declining over time, possibly due to more awareness and better intervention. Therapy is often a necessary component to helping them work through it. Simply telling a child to “stop” or expressing anger or disappointment is not enough. The Stop It Now! organization has compiled great information about age-appropriate sexual behavior. And here’s a valuable handout from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network that outlines how to address inappropriate sexual behavior.
Possible motivators of children that abuse:
Curiosity Gone Too Far
Children That Have Experienced Abuse
Children That Aggressively Abuse
Sexual Deviancy
Peer on Peer Abuse - Dating, Hazing, and Pranks
Abuse by family members
The construction of a family unit is a child’s most important source of confidence and security – incest breaks that foundation.
Incest thrives when adults lack the fortitude to accept that it exists. People often think that it happens in other families and couldn’t happen theirs, but this perspective puts children at risk. Incest can involve grooming or none at all, since there is typically an already-established sense of trust, affection, and love. Incest can and does involve all types of family members- fathers, mothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. One of the most violating aspects of incest is the destruction of trust between the child and their abuser – the construction of a family unit is a child’s most important source of confidence and security – incest breaks that foundation.
When it comes to protecting our children abuse prevention is best when it’s addressed within the family unit first.
Include Family in Talks About Body Safety
Accept the Risk in 1:1 Situations with Family
Be Wary of Children That Are Singled Out
Believe & Protect Children That Disclose Abuse
Get Help for Children With Sexual Behavior Issues
Get Help if You Feel You May Abuse A Child
Abuse by women
Sometimes woman sexually abuse children. It is hard to find solid statistical evidence to support how often it happens. This is because the victims by women tell much less often than those abused by men. Many victims don’t think people will believe them. Many don’t realize they were being abused until they are older. Although limited research exists, it is suggested that for many cases involving female perpetrators the motivation is not primarily about sexual fulfillment, but emotional fulfillment (loneliness, low self-esteem, depression), and that women offenders are more likely to have experienced or be in abusive relationships (sexual, physical, and/or psychological) than male offenders. Studies also suggest that female perpetrators are less “predatory” and lean more toward being “opportunistic” offenders.
The main types of female perpetrators:
- Facilitators- Women who intentionally aid men in gaining access to children for sexual purposes.
- Reluctant Partners- Women in long term relationships who go along with sexual exploitation of a minor out of fear of being abandoned.
- Initiating Partner- Women who want to sexually offend against a child and who may do it themselves or get a man or another woman to do it while they watch.
- Seducers and Lovers- Women who direct their sexual interest upon adolescents and develop an intense attachment.
- Pedophiles- Women who desire an exclusive and sustain sexual relationship with a child (a very rare occurrence).
- Psychotic Women- Who suffer from a mental illness and who have inappropriate sexual contact with children as a result.
Unfortunately, most of these women are sentenced much less severely than men who commit the same types of crimes. What is considered the rape of a young girl by an adult male is considered to others as a “fantasy” for a boy. And just like male predators, there is no stereo-type to look for when trying to identify a female sexual abuser, despite how well the media draws attention to them, what many would consider, the most “attractive” female perpetrators – which, most likely, only continues the public’s perception that sexual offenses by women are less abusive – which is far from the truth.
Sources:
- A collection of interviews with convicted molesters and rapists. Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists, & Other Sex Offenders by Anna Salter Ph.D.
- Understanding and Coping with Sexual Behavior Problems in Children, by The National Child Traumatic Stress Network
- Female Perpetrators and Male Victims of Sexual Abuse: Facts and Resources, by Loree Cook-Daniels
Occasional Offenders Definition
It means having an understanding of the depth of the pain and the grief they have caused.
Restorative Justice for Offenders in crimes of severe violence begins with Offenders being willing to acknowledge and understand — and take personal responsibility for – the choices they made and the behaviors they engaged in to create the terrible harms and devastations they caused. This means being willing to face and feel personal responsibility for those choices, actions, and behaviors. It means comprehending the depth of the pain and suffering they caused, and understanding something about how they came to be capable of such choices. It means having the courage to face whatever the Victim/Survivor wants and needs to convey to the Offender in a dialogue, and it means being willing to express remorse (if they have the capacity) for the effects of those choices upon the Victims/Survivors. RJ for Offenders is not merely about apology, especially for things that can never be restored or made whole again. And it is not about being forgiven — unless Victims/Survivors feel fully ready within themselves to freely offer that forgiveness at some point during the VOD itself. It is about Accountability.
While RJ is often thought of as providing Offenders with a chance to apologize in person to their Victims/Survivors, there are many Victims/Survivors who do not want an apology — at least not until the Offenders understand a lot more about what they are apologizing for. These survivors do not want the Offenders in their cases to get away with what they feel is the “cheap grace” of apology. For it is only with a true understanding of how profoundly victims and their survivors have been wounded, and what the survivors continue to live with every day, that Offenders can begin to comprehend what apology can and cannot be. After all, it is completely impossible to “get over” the loss of a loved one to murder, or the loss of one’s innocence and sense of trust and safety to sexual assault or other intimate betrayal and violation. This is why RJ must be fundamentally and rigorously Victim-Centered if it is to be truly effective.
For most Victims/Survivors this means making the Offender understand not only what s/he did to the victim(s), but the continuing and persistently profound after-effects of what s/he did. When a loved one has been murdered, or when one’s innocence has been shattered by sexual assault or other violation, nothing can be done to “pay back” the life, or the innocence lost, or the trauma and continuing post-traumatic symptoms endured. This is why RJ for Offenders can never be merely a matter of simply summoning the courage — as hard as that may be — to express an apology to a Victim/Survivor, regardless of its sincerity. Because until the Victim/Survivor is certain that the Offender comprehends thoroughly what s/he has actually done, it cannot have the meaning necessary. Some Offenders can begin to substantially infer this understanding through in-prison victim impact panels and victim awareness classes; others may only comprehend it by hearing from, or personally experiencing, a facilitated meeting or dialogue with the person(s) s/he victimized. Still others — a relative few — may end up being unable to comprehend these impacts at all. But even this hard realization can help “explain” some things for Victims/Survivors, as “explanations” are what so many seek from VOD.
For Offenders, finding ways of expressing accountability when not a single thing can be said or done to “repay” the loss, and when words are so terribly insufficient, may seem impossible. But even mere words, when informed by new understandings, can serve to help and heal when they are authentic. And while many RJ theorists and practitioners would like to see RJ initiatives — writing apology letters, for example, or requesting a VOD — originating uninvited from offenders, this is not what Victims/Survivors want. The urge to express remorse and apology may be sincere and heartfelt, but only Victims/Survivors themselves can tell Offenders exactly how much what happened has affected them, and they are the ones who need and deserve to be in control of when — and even whether — to receive or accept an apology from an Offender, or whether to consider initiating a VOD. This is the very heart of Victim-Centered RJ.
Occasional Offenders
There are many RJ practitioners who believe that all Victims “should” meet with the Offenders in a “mediation” or “reconciliation.” But the words themselves, and the lack of understanding behind them, can be deeply wounding to victims, as they suggest that the matter is merely a “misunderstanding” to be resolved or reconciled. Victimization, violation, loss, and trauma are not misunderstandings. They are vastly more complex, and victims deserve to know clearly — by having it understood and acknowledged — not only what happened to them, but that they were in no way responsible for what happened. The Offenders were responsible, and the choices they made were theirs alone. When Offenders become unambiguously clear about this, the process of restoring a sense of justice for Victims/Survivors may be able to begin again.
Occasional Offender
Restorative Justice is also often seen as requiring a face-to-face meeting between the Victim/Survivor and the Offender. But this is not always necessary — and it’s certainly not always wanted by the Victim/Survivor. This is why Victim-Centered RJ must be defined first by each Victim/Survivor’s needs – not the needs of the Offender, or of any external religious imperative, or of a Judge, or of society at large. Victimization is deeply personal. And it’s as personal for Offenders as it is for Victims/Survivors.
In crimes of severe violence, RJ practices are intended to have no direct effect or bearing upon an Offender’s sentence, classification, or release date. And yet ironically, it is within the context of reaching a truly personal understanding of accountability that Offenders convicted of severely violent crimes can actually begin to see that making “meaning,” going forward, from what they did in the past can be well worth changing their attitudes, their behaviors, and their lives for – even while still incarcerated. And while extensive data on Offender recidivism in cases where VOD has been applied are limited by the relatively small percentage, nationwide, of VOD cases completed in crimes of severe violence during the past two decades, there are other indicators relating to institutional behaviors following VOD that suggest that criminal thinking, one of the more entrenched criminogenic needs, can be moderated. This shows how a self-actualized commitment to change can be ignited within them, and it is here that the truly transformative potential of Victim-Centered Restorative Justice for Offenders resides.
Restorative Justice is not a matter of “cheap grace,” or “cumbayah,” neither of which does a thing to fundamentally engage an Offender’s desire to change his thinking and behaviors. It is being held to personal account by the Victim/Survivor — in very real and unflinching ways — that enables the Offender to understand what it feels like to answer to the true authority — the Victim/Survivor. Not the Prosecutor, not the Judge or the Jury, not the Warden or the Correctional Officers — but the Victim/Survivor. That is responsibility at its most personal, and Victim-Centered Restorative Justice is one powerful pathway to this kind of accountability.